


Loss

by CatAvalon (CazinaIna)



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Angst, Depression, Gen, Hurt, Loss, Minor Character Death, Spark Compliant
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-19
Updated: 2017-12-19
Packaged: 2019-02-17 04:39:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 542
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13069323
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CazinaIna/pseuds/CatAvalon
Summary: He crawls into bed at night with his cat by his side and hopes the rumble of a purr will be enough, will hold the same comforting effect as the rumble of a voice beneath his ear.





	Loss

**Author's Note:**

> A look into Yuri's (my) mind during the period where he isolates himself in It's Just A Spark, But It's Enough.

Sometimes, he forgets. He’ll come back home and call his name, only to hear the deafening sound of silence reply. He’ll have nightmares, of desdushka dying, right in front of his eyes, over and over again, the first few moments of relief when he awakes bleeding out into horror as he realises it wasn’t a nightmare, but a memory. Or he’ll dream. Dream of them in the kitchen together, cooking, or in the living room watching dedushka’s favourite old comedy, or sharing their morning tea together, where words of wisdom carry over the rising steam. Yuri never remembers what they are, when he awakes. The ghost of his grandfather’s voice fades into a pain that chews at his heart strings until all he can do is lie in the mourning sun and blink tears out of the corners of his eyes. He hopes they’re something honest, something kind, about how brave he’s being, how strong he is. But he’s not brave. Not strong. Strength isn’t found in lonely nights staring at the ceiling, in the endless circles he draws on the duvet with his finger just so he can keep track of time. Strength isn’t refusing to go to his grave, so he doesn’t have to forget what the sinking earth looks like again. Strength definitely isn’t locking himself in his bathroom and turning the shower on hot, letting the steam suffocate him as he curls up on the bathroom floor and digs crescent moons into his thighs.

  
He wonders, when his bones ache from the hard tile floor, if it will ever go away. Fade a little, at least. There are too many feelings flowing through his veins, and all he can do is pick one and shut the rest off. Maybe it will give him a heart attack. Maybe, that’s what he needs, and when he’s resuscitated it will be easier, because he knows what death tastes like, will have it on the tip of his tongue for the rest of his life.

  
He puts up pictures of them together, just to ignore them. Dedushka watches him get dressed every morning, watches him do yoga on the faded rug by the fire, watches his shoulders shudder when he stares for too long, as a single breath chokes out as a sob.

  
He misses him.

  
He misses everyone he’s pushed away. It had felt like the right decision at the time, but now he wonders if he was wrong. He’s wrong most of the time now, after all. When he’s alone he always wants someone, but when he has someone, he wants to be alone. A never ending cycle, a torturous ouroborus that bites at his heels, the scars left in missed calls and ignored texts, splashes of red on his phone screen. He crawls into bed at night with his cat by his side and hopes the rumble of a purr will be enough, will hold the same comforting effect as the rumble of a voice beneath his ear.

  
And when it’s not enough, when sleep dangles before him but he doesn’t have the energy to reach for it, he succumbs to his fate. Another night spent wide awake with the fragility of mortality at the forefront of his mind.

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted on[ zeldaismyhomegirl](http://zeldaismyhomegirl.tumblr.com/)  
> 


End file.
